Another month, another update.
It’s strange how you can get into a way of thinking that your life is pretty solid. Things have come and gone in your life, changes, for better and worse, happen all the time, and after the dust has settled you think to yourself “thank fuck nothing like that is going to happen again any time soon”. But of course life has other ideas, and isn’t ever content with what it’s done with you so far. This isn’t neccessarily an update to say my life has gotten any worse or better, only that it has changed again, and it’s different…
Just clocked 2 years working with Kinetic IT (who I believe are fucking legends). This for me is awesome because my health issues have caused nothing but heartache, pain and confusion in the past; past employers didn’t know how to handle it and took the easy-route of just sacking me. Their loss. Might sound up myself but it’s true. If only they had opened their eyes to the actual human aspect of work and life and weren’t just focussed on the bottom line, they might have noticed that with a little assistance I would have become golden for them. Sucked in, buddy. I’m progressing towards my career goal of a Tier 3/Enterprise server/operations position by moving into the Server Support team at work. Exposure to servers and the upkeep/maintanence/break-fix environment at a server level can only be a good thing.
Now, what this post is all about; life, love and the future. I have a friend who was living over in Queensland that I have known for many years. She was in a relationship and has two gorgeous kids (one of which has turned 2 today, happy birthday!). But for all she tells me, she was unhappy over there and her partner treated her like dirt. I’ve known this girl for a long long time (many years, since she was in her mid-teens), and naturally, I feel a kind of bond with her, even though we only met in person no more than a few weeks ago. A lead to B, and now she’s staying with me. I can tell you now that after leading a solitary, independent life for almost 5 years, and not having a woman in my life for longer, having a lovely girl and 2 kids in a small house is a life experience not to be underestimated.
And only a few weeks in I am already having weird feelings which I haven’t had for a long long time. Actually caring about someone but not being able to do anything about it is frustrating and quite an emotional exercise. It’s not her fault either; she has a history and a father of her two kids who doesn’t exactly think I am the best thing since sliced bread, and maybe he is right. Living by myself for a few years has made me selfish and non-empathetic. I’m not used to having to interpret words and meanings from someone elses point of view. You’d think a career in customer service would prepare me for that, but nope, it’s a completely different game. I think this girl is amazing, and she deserves everything that is good in life. But in the last couple of days I think I am realising that I’m probably not the person that can do that for her. Spoiling her, helping her out and torrents of flattery only go so far. I do care about her and for her, but there’s things (especially the kids) that I think it’s going to take me too long (if ever) for me to get over. Watching another bloke interact with her eldest made me realise that I really am not cut out for paying attention to or caring for little ones (maybe that’s why I am still single?).
I tell you, readers, that right now my personal life is tricky. My great professional life/career is being balanced out by difficulties at home. Oh, and speaking of difficulties, remember WALAN (hah!). Well, it seems at some point a few months ago I made a conscious decision to help the derelict and floundering organisation get back into the game. And a month or so in, I am realising that I am too old, too tired and too sore to be dealing with the socio-politic aspects of dealing with a community that is ungreatful and spiteful, caring only for itself and not caring who gets in their way. I don’t like spending 3 hours late on a Friday night dealing with trolls and answering questions that really should have been answered by the existing organistion long before I got involved. I like lanning as much as the next person, but if this is what I get to expect going forwards into the next 2 years, well, the “community” can shove it up their collective anus.
So yeah. Right now I am on my 4th(?) bourbon and coke, taking large sips and reflecting on what’s gone on, is going on, and what will go on in the next coming weeks/months. And if you’re wondering about the title of the article, it’s a song by Muse. The song kind of relates to how I feel about my personal life and my feelings and affections for this girl. I just hope that the bad swell smooths out and I can work out a way to make things work. That being said, I have a few life sayings which I try to stick to, and the relevant one right now is “whatever will be will be”. I might not like the outcome, but I have to accept it.
